The 2005 Brians
I really like the fact that so much controversy surrounds Chris Rock hosting tonight’s Academy Awards ceremony. While people gossip over whether the comedian respects the Oscars, the Brians have had the opportunity to sail under the radar.
Yes, it’s that time of year again when I give away awards for the best in film … that I saw the previous year.
We have six films eligible, the same as the last two years. Voters – and there is a change there – had to choose from “Dodgeball,” “Starsky & Hutch,” “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy,” “The Aviator,” “Ocean’s Twelve,” and “Home on the Range,” the first animated film nominated for a Brian.
I changed the voting a little at the behest of a friend named, coincidentally, Brian. He didn’t see why he should be disqualified from voting since, in the spirit of Jeff Spicoli, these are our awards.
If you don’t get that joke, go rent “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.”
Anyway, without any further ado, the 2005 Brians.
Best Supporting Actor: Steve Carrell in “Anchorman.” A veteran of “The Daily Show,” Carrell won a minor award last year for his performance in “Bruce Almighty. It’s a big step from winning “Best Nonsensical Performance” to this award, but he deserves it. Brian – the other one, not me – was adamant about this one. Besides, his inane ramblings make much more sense than most TV reporters I see on the air.
Best Supporting Actress: Catherine Zeta-Jones, “Ocean’s Twelve.” Cause she’s purty.
Best Actor: Will Farrell in “Anchorman.” Two years ago, I proclaimed that Adam Sandler was the best actor ever. Thank you for making me eat my words, Will Farrell. Ben Stiller had some fine performances and Vince Vaughn appeared in half of the nominees, but Farrell followed up his classic “Old School” performance with another winner.
Best Actress: Christine Taylor, “Dodgeball.” If for no other reason, she has added “I just threw up a little in my mouth,” to the phraseology for me and several friends.
Best Film: “Dodgeball.” I don’t know why. I liked “Starsky & Hutch,” but it fell apart when they had the real actors come back in a very cheesy manner. “Anchorman” made me laugh, but the story lacked a little. “Dodgeball” had it all. Sure, Stiller was over the top, but Vince Vaughn brought it all back together. He should be in every movie.
And now the minor awards:
Thing I Most Didin’t Need to See: Leonardo DiCaprio’s bare behind. Please. I had popcorn an hour ago. My wife thinks he should get a “Best Performance by a Backside” award, but she’s not named Brian so it doesn’t count.
Thing I Most Didn’t Need to Hear: Double-entendre jokes from Roseanne in “Home on the Range.” I know you need to entertain the parents, but that crossed a line.
Best Cameo: Chuck Norris in “Dodgeball.” The other Brian picked this one, and I have to concur.
That’s about it. I know “The Aviator” and “Ocean’s Twelve” got robbed, but Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Will Farrell are hard to beat. I really liked those other movies, but the Brians aren’t about plot and excitement.
They’re about guys babbling about eating candles and people trying to dodge wrenches for practice.
That’s entertainment.