When we bought our house, we chose an in-town location for several reasons. We liked the price. We liked being able to walk downtown. We liked our quiet street. I had one other reason for liking the location. I wouldn’t have to deal with any wild animals. I grew up in the suburbs. We did live near some woods so we had to deal with mice a few times growing up. Other than that, I limited my exposure to animals to visits to the zoo.

It’s not just wild animals. My mother-in-law used to own a couple of horses. Maria took me in the pasture once and I nearly fainted.

I fear a new animal now, but it’s a little smaller than a horse. Actually, it’s a lot smaller than a horse.

We have an opossum visiting our yard.

That shouldn’t sound scary, but he’s visiting my wife’s garden. And using it as a bathroom.

We have to stop this creature. Preferably without my involvement. When Maria first brought to the attention, she used the word “we” like she really expected me to get involved. She should really know better.

I immediately went to the Internet because there had to be information there. I can find the lyrics to pretty much every song ever recorded and transcripts to hundreds of television shows online, so I had to be able to find a quick and easy way to get rid of an opossum.

I should have known better than to visit the site for the Opossum Society of the United States. They had a frequently asked questions page that included info on what to do if you had a possum visiting your yard. I didn’t like their answer – “Leave it alone. . Enjoy watching wildlife in your own backyard!”

They don’t know my wife and her garden. If someone asked her to choose between me and her garden, I’d be writing every week about how much I missed her.

Maria decided to check some local groups who might help get rid of our little visitor, but they either didn’t handle that sort of thing or would require us to take out a loan just to have them trap and move the opossum. If they got any other critters in the trap, they’d charge us extra.

I’d rather sit outside all night and scare the thing away every night until it found another place to do its business.

We asked a friend who has a great appreciation of the outdoors, but all he could offer were funny opossum stories. I got a good laugh out of his e-mail, but that didn’t make the animal go away.

All we have left is intimidation. Maria thinks it is working. She is convinced that the animal will figure out who he is messing with and find a less attentive gardener to bother.

I can only hope so. I really don’t want to sleep outside and chase the critter away every night. I’m scared of the dark too.