Have you ever looked at the television, trying your hardest to look away, but unable to? That’s the feeling I got while watching CMT’s “My Big Redneck Wedding” the other night.

I had seen the show in the listings before, but Maria’s stepfather recommended it for a good laugh. Wow, did the 90 minutes we watched over the weekend deliver.

The whole premise of the show is that they film people who willfully throw the biggest redneck wedding they can. Every so often when something really, funny happens, Tom Arnold pops on the screen and points out the humor.

People, when someone who married Roseanne makes fun of you, it’s time to turn it down a notch.

We watched three episodes, but none could even come close to topping John and Gail from Maryland’s Eastern Shore. They deliver newspapers for a living and unapologetically live the redneck dream in their trailer. Some of the highlights:

• John proposed by peeing “Will you marry me” in the street. He later peed Gail’s name in the street in front of the florist, making the woman who owned the shop practically crap her pants. She had just recovered from their request to use beer cans with the tops cut off as vases at the reception.
• John got Gail’s wedding present at the bowling alley. At the bowling alley’s arcade. From the claw machine in the bowling alley’s arcade.
• They tied beer cans to an archway with twist ties for people to walk through when they entered the hall – a big room above a flea market. When they came up a few cans short, John willingly chugged a half-dozen or so Buds to complete the project. That’s love, baby.
• An early version of John’s vows had the phrase, “you’re hotter than a Hot Pocket.” John’s Granny replied, “I love Hot Pockets!” Somewhere, Jim Gaffigan shed a tear.
• While coming up with those vows, John regretted he couldn’t use any big words because he didn’t have a “clitoris” to look them up in. He pronounced the word so it rhymed with thesaurus so he was on the right track, but I think Gail had a slightly disappointing wedding night thanks to his vocabulary.

After watching three episodes, we noticed a few common themes – porta potties, four-wheelers, camouflage and a distinct lack of interest in giving a shit about what other people think. I guess, in a way, you have to admire that.