As a nation, we agree on so few things. We all understand that Tom Cruise is pretty freaky, and that Paris Hilton is pretty yukky and that Scarlett Johansson is pretty dreamy.

But we have something now to rally around that goes way beyond the lives of the rich and famous.

We must band together to stop Smittens.

I hadn’t heard of this scourge until earlier this week so don’t feel bad if you are behind the times. But we cannot rest or they might actually become popular.

Smittens are a product that allow men and women to hold hands while wearing mittens. The set consists of one left-handed mitten, one right-handed mitten and an oversized mitten that will fit two hands so the couple can hold hands in the cold weather.

Yes, I’m as disturbed as you are.

Don’t mistake this for an effort to discourage couples from holding hands. I love holding my wife’s hand.

But I don’t need a stinking special pair of mittens to do it in the winter.

Not only do these silly things exist, but the maker, a woman in Seattle, offers a pair in red with a heart embroidered on the center mitten.

Some things are just too cute.

Normally, something like this wouldn’t bother me that much. Everyone I have talked to has had the same reaction I had when I first saw them.

Then I remember we’re dealing with the American public.

Yes, we think Tom Cruise is freaky, but people still obsessed over his wedding. And I have come across people who prefer Paris Hilton over Scarlett Johansson.

The holiday season is upon us, so we need to band together to make sure that Smittens don’t end up in anyone’s stocking this month. So many other better options exist.

By just looking at one catalog, I found four things that could provide a couple many more loving moments than some silly mittens.

First, there’s the scrolling belt buckle. What couple doesn’t want to share their love through one of six saveable messages which can scroll at nine different speeds on an LCD screen surrounded by rhinestones? That’s the gift that keeps on giving.

And if programmable belt buckles don’t get you excited, you can get a party fountain for just a few dollars more than they charge for Smittens. You might not get a chance to enjoy romantic walks, but you can feel like big spenders by watching your favorite beverage casscade down the 22-inch fountain.

Maybe you want to stay inside and keep warm, but you want to enjoy your beverage, not watch them. Well, you can get a Margarator, which makes the perfect margarita, or a Beer Dispenser, which keeps up to five liters of beer cold for the man of the house.

Of course, the catalog also has mittens. And none of them include a deformed third mitten that might force women to hold their husband’s sweaty hand.

Some things just need to be left alone. I bet even Tom and Katie would agree.