I didn’t even really notice that the Golden Globe Awards took place last week. But when I heard about the goodies in store for those in attendance, I sat up and took notice. The audience members received a goodie bag worth more than $1,300 of stuff while the movie stars who announced the winners received a bag of junk worth more than $62,000.

First of all, wow. Secondly, why do they call it a goodie “bag?” Do the stars get a huge bag with a vacuum cleaner, an espresso machine and a pair of jeans? If so, that must be a pain to get home, even if you did come in a limo.

Actually, they get a custom-made trunk to hold their booty. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association – which is the sponsor of the Golden Globes – says that the trunk is worth $250. The plaid lining inside must have kept that estimate down.

I don’t begrudge the stars this kind of treatment. They work hard for their success and deserve a blanket and some outfits for their pet, tickets to see “Women in White’ on Broadway and the CD from the show so they can know all the lyrics as well as custom stationary from Nieman Marcus.

When you’re world-famous like Leonardo DiCaprio and Drew Barrymore, the only way you can possibly score a new Blackberry or a new $500 belt is by wrangling a gig reading the winners of a Golden Globe.

I shouldn’t be jealous. These people are just innocent pawns in the game of product placement. They don’t really want a free $800 Italian handbag or a $2,000 golden diamond ring. And they can’t possibly fit a two-week Antarctic cruise into their busy schedule.

So what should they do with all this free stuff, especially considering they are probably being showered with many more gifts after presenting awards at other ceremonies?

Give it to me.

Well, not all of it because I don’t get enough vacation to enjoy both the Antarctic cruise and the trip to the northwest of Canada. I might be able to swing one of them, however.

So just give me some of the stuff. I have very simple tastes. Lord knows I could use a GameBoy Micro. And playing with it would be much easier if I had a new pair of SaltOptic sunglasses and $300 worth of custom-made ice cream from Marble Slab Creamery.

I can understand if the stars don’t want to part with their gifts though. They have family, friends, hangers-on and ex-wives to keep happy. I’m sure some celebrity divorces include a 50-50 split of future goodie bags.

I could live on some of the things that people in the audience will get. I’m sure some normal folk would love to share the wealth. Maybe I can finagle the six-month Blockbuster Video subscription from someone. Or the “Mask of Zorro” DVD.

As long as they don’t give me the iPod charger. I would have to wait until I could get a free iPod to use it. Maybe I can sneak into the Oscars to score one.